I apologize for the radio silence on the faith fronts. You’d think, during this season of liturgical beauty and wonder, and given my earlier wish at the Abbey for a simpler Christmas, that I’d have much reflection to share on this year’s season, awake to the real spirit of it through new eyes.
But quite honestly, these eyes can’t afford Christmas decorations, nor an advent wreath, nor a nifty CD of Christmas carols–not after the winter I’ve had with my car. Since early November, I’ve sunk close to $1,600 on the blasted thing, and that ate up Christmas, put me behind on several bills, and kicked me in the spiritual chest. It’s put EFM at risk, and the slight influx of cash I got from it being holiday time went directly toward surprising the heck out of my son with a few things under the tree. (Getting visits from Santa at 13 is no easy feat, but his eyes were pretty dern wide Christmas morning when he realized there were seven more packages under the tree than the night before.)
Said car trouble kept me from being peripatetic and visiting my childhood parish for lessons and carols the weekend before Christmas, and seriously curtailed my trip to Philly. As a result, I have not been to church since Shelby’s ordination on the 15th, but what a lovely ordination it was.
Being away from church, though, something strange has filled my heart: the realization that the emptiness I feel in Virginia is simple homesickness. In Philly, I had a close connection with a dozen wonderful friends, and a wider circle of affection that made the place home. I had a conversion experience while driving alongside the Schuylkill river. My aunt and her family were my support structures while raising my son alone. I spent five whole days in the Delaware Valley, my longest trip back since I left a year and a half ago, and I can’t help but wonder if I’ve been wrong about my calling. Cause, you know, it’s so hard to hear.
No less committed, but realizing that the Diocese of Pa. is my home too.
Fortunately, I have a meeting with Fr. Jim in January wherein I can try and work all this out. And I think I’m here for the next few years, regardless: the kid needs me close, now that he lives with his dad.
Speaking of the kid, today’s the day that he makes a cameo appearance at A Light Blazes in the Darkness — okay, I’m a day late, but still, it’s really neat. It’s writing that fulfills.
God, help me to remember that I do forget to listen for you, as I have these past weeks, mired in my anger at cashflow and juggling the needs and demands and company of family and friends. Help me to slow down. Help me to concentrate on the slow-and-steady when the impetuousness tickles my chest. And please, God, a small favor: please don’t do this by breaking my car down again.
Posted in Fail!, Faith, Writing by: Helen
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